Shiny sinks and my state of mind

This week I cleaned the kitchen sink and it shined…like gleaming!

and it was such an accomplishment.

No I did not clean the entire kitchen… just the counter tops and the sink.

While I stared at my shiny sink with pride, little tiny tears started to welt up in my eyes.

new york mom

You see… much like today… I had not changed out of my pj’s, had not slept more than 4 hours in over 3 days and I had nothing ‘pending”. Nowhere to be but home… rocking my babe, changing poopy diapers and cleaning my sink.

There I stood… staring at my shiny sink and realizing that no matter what I do, I just can’t get this house together.  Things are always a mess, and cluttered and I just can’t keep up. I even apologize to the babysitter about our messy home and how I feel bad that she has to spend her day with the babe in the clutter.

Staring at my shiny sink, I felt that this massive full-time job of motherhood had defeated me and no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find my rhythm, my choreography, my 5,6,7,8.

I just knew that the moment we woke up in the morning, my proud shiny sink would be returned back to its cluttered piled up mess.

We have  amazing moments in our life. We really do…but once in a while a little negative self-doubt-pity-party-throwing voice creeps into my brain and whispers things like, “your peers are moving forward in their career and you are home cleaning a sink” or “career? what career?” or  “summer is coming and nothing in my closet fits me” or  just “aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh”. And don’t forget the whole  “everyday is your day off” Bull Schmack.

It’s Ok. It really is.

You see all this is coming from a huge career altering job offer I received a few weeks ago. An amazing company… like who would NOT want to work for this giant in online search and social… approached lil ole me and offered me a job that was schweeeet!They had heard about me through the social media grapevine and were interested. After much going back and forth, I had to say no.

When we had Lily, I watched my dance career come to a SCREECHING halt. I lost friends, I lost my community and I lost my dance.  I grieved over this for years… and some days in the wee hours of the night I still grieve over the sudden unexpected loss of my dance career.

Now… I have created and worked REALLY hard toward a career in Social Marketing. Speaking on panels, holding seminars, having awesome clients… I work hard… and a classic, ideal job falls into my lap… i wasn’t even looking… and I had to say no.

I did the right thing. I know it.

But i can’t help but feel (insert word of despair here).

If I had forged forward with my dance company touring and dancing full-time… Lily’s well-being would have been compromised and THAT is something that I could not have lived with.

As much as I love my little monchichi’s sometimes it’s nice to have a deadline and have your creative mind sparked and just talk to people who inspire and feed your brain.

Last week Matt was super busy with meetings every single night. I had no one to talk to all week. It’s rough when I’m home with a  baby and an 8-year-old and have not a soul to talk to, and we moved to a new town a few months ago and I don’t know anyone here and it’s very VERY lonely most days!

I really can’t be wallowing in my boo-hoo ness for much longer.

I always look at Lily and Thom…and even Jonah Bear… and think… to them I am the WORLD… so their WORLD needs to step it up and stay strong.

For now… it’s about small victories…and mine is my shiny sink!